Dealing with Difficult People

Difficult actually means “hard to please”. When you are dealing with someone who is difficult, they tend to be functioning from a fixed point of view and having all the right answers.

When you are dealing with someone like this you don’t want to fight them because they will defend their point of view and fight even harder. What you want to do is look at how you can get around the situation and say things like, “I see what you’re talking about, and how about this?”

Asking questions opens the doors to other possibilities. When you don’t ask questions, people are forced to defend their point of view. How much change is possible when someone is defending their point of view? Oh yah, none. When you ask a question, it allows the other person to explain what they might see that you might not. It doesn’t mean that they are right and you are wrong or you are right and they are wrong, it’s just the way it is.

Three ways in which difficult people try to make things difficult and what you can do about it:

1.   Difficult people often use anger as a source for creating fight and defense.

When someone is angry with you, they are trying to get you to fight back or defend your point of view. When you fight back it adds to the continuation of that energy and creates more of it. Is that really where you want to live and create from or do you desire something different? What is it that you desire to do and be? You have to be clear about what you would like to create for you to have something that works for you.

2.   Difficult people use judgment to create control and to determine what you’re going to choose.

When someone is using judgement to control you, you have to say “Wow, thank you so much for caring”. This puts them into question about if they actually do care or not and they will back off. If they have to be right they will never be able to admit when they were wrong. People who are using judgment want to believe that you are going to trust them, like them and believe that they are right. The way to deal with this is to never have to be right or wrong. Allow everything to be just an interesting point of view.

3.   Difficult people will lie to you.

Dealing with liars is easy, they are actually gifting you with the information you need to deal with them. Acknowledge the lie and know that you never have to trust anything they say because they are going to lie no matter what. Just Say “Thank you” without a fight or confrontation and they will change if they choose to. Confrontation never works. All it does is demand that the other person puts up their dukes and starts fighting.

What if you never had to fight anything? What if everything was just a choice?

If you’re dealing with someone difficult, you always want to put them in the place of questioning what you are looking at that they don’t see. Give them a wedge that makes them ask you a question like “What do you mean by that?”. A great way to do this is to acknowledge people for what they are being.

For example, if someone is being difficult, you don’t want to tell them that they are an Evil Little Fuck (ELF) cause that will create a fight. But, you could acknowledge them as an ELF by saying, “Wow, your such an ELF” which will put them into question. Then they will ask “What’s an ELF? What do you mean?” Don’t tell them what you mean. Let them be in question.

The main thing you want to get in dealing with difficult people is that it’s not about you being right and them being wrong. And, it’s not about them being right and you being wrong. It’s about a different possibility showing up. When you are willing to ask the questions the put them into question, things will change for you.